Think Twice Before Considering Divorce
Many couples utter the word “divorce” when feeling exasperated or when emotions run high during conflict. If you are thinking of divorce because of some stressful event or conflict, I hope it will blow over when you calm down. However, suppose you are thinking about the word “D” because there have been ongoing relationship issues and unhappiness. I hope this article will provide some pointers to help you.
Explore Help from a Counsellor or a Therapist
I strongly recommend that couples consider seeking counselling to explore the divorce decision. Discernment Counselling, a short-term approach developed by Dr William Doherty, can provide a ray of hope amid troubled marriages. This process can lead to greater clarity and confidence in deciding the direction of your relationship. Through counselling, you can better understand your marriage and assess the pros and cons of divorce, potentially leading to a positive outcome for both parties.
Gaining Clarity and Confidence in Your Decision
Even if only one party is willing to seek help, it will help prepare for a constructive divorce process and subsequent recovery. If divorce is unavoidable, I hope couples will choose to have a “good divorce” instead of a “bad divorce” that often embitter in litigation, wounds, attachment injury to children and some mental health issues.
Understand the Grieving Process and Healing Journey
Divorce is the death of one of the most significant relationships in our lives. The loss is not just a loss of the relationship but also identity, social network and shared community. In the practical aspect, one may experience financial, housing and lifestyle loss. Therefore, one may experience the grieving process of mourning, experiencing feelings of denial, anger, guilt and depression. It is also a time of transition when self-reflection is most valuable in understanding how one reaches the divorce stage and contributes to it. This process, supported by counselling
and individual therapy, facilitates growth, learning, healing and preparation for the next phase
of life and new relationships.
Identity, Social Networks, and Lifestyle Changes
When couples divorce, many aspects of the family life change. Research informed us that the post-divorce family no longer functions like a non-divorce family. The family generally experienced a high stress level in the first two years. If the couple has children, they are most impacted by the divorce. Research evidence also showed us that co-parenting and joint custody benefit children of divorce. They experienced fewer social, emotional, behavioural, and
academic issues when parents continued cooperative co-parenting.
Effective Co-Parenting Strategies
Co-parenting after divorce is a significant responsibility that requires both parents to continue working together to raise their children. This process must remain child-focused and sensitive to the child’s needs. By consistently considering the child’s best interest in your decision-making, you can ensure that your co-parenting relationship is healthy and beneficial for your children, fostering a sense of responsibility and commitment.
The Negative Impact of Divorce Litigation on Children
While working at a co-parenting centre in Singapore a few years ago, I worked with the Family Justice Court and the Ministry of Social and Family Development to support divorcing families. I witnessed children being most negatively affected when their parents engage in divorce litigation. The situation worsens when the process drags on for years, and the children feel unsettled and unable to adjust.
Seeking Professional Help and Counselling
If you are seriously thinking of divorce, I hope the above points might offer some help. I hope you will take the time and space to consider your decision. I suggest seeking professional help to support you as you explore your decision. As a therapist who assists many of my clients through this process, I often hear clients’ feedback on how short-term counselling or couples therapy helps them gain clarity in making decisions about their marriage or gain confidence in working through their relationships.
Written by Joselyn Loh, Founder & Clinical Director, Belief Psychotherapy & Training.
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